So what is a helicopter mama? Maybe you've heard it before, maybe you are one and don't even know it, maybe you are one, you know it and don't care, and maybe I am one. According to Urban Dictionary (not sure how official that is but you'll get the point) a helicopter mom is "A hovering & controlling, but well-meaning, parent who gets way too involved in her child's life to the point of doing things that are completely inappropriate, such as personally attending all of little Sweetiepie's extracurricular activities, writing medium-sized Sweetiepie's school application essays, and submitting full-grown Sweetiepie's job applications." Or maybe this definition from Urban Dictionary as well, "the mom who hovers over her child, especially at school. This mom is too involved. She annoys the other parents as well as the teacher(s)."
Over the last few years I have caught myself stepping in situations that I really should have just left alone. But but but I just want to help and fix it! I found myself wanting to bail my kids out of situations that weren't fantastic. But but but I just want them to be happy all the time! I found myself wanting to call out some little brat. But but but that kid can't do that! I found myself just wanting to do the homework for them. But but but I can do it quicker and better than them. Recently, I was mid-bailout with one and realized, what in the world am I doing!? I realized I had stepped into the helicopter no-fly zone. So for now, I have stopped with the emails or nasty-grams as my friend calls them, I have stopped with the phone calls begging for a bailout. I have resigned myself that that is the situation that my child will be in for a while and it IS going to make her a better person for going through it. Now, am I happy about the situation, absolutely not! I am still tempted to look for an out but I am fighting the urge. In the past, I will admit to secretly changing stuff in a typed report after my kids went to bed, don't judge, most people have done it. I will admit to doing more of a science fair project than I should have. But I have seen the error of my ways the last few years and taken my hands off of school work. I don't stalk teacher blogs, I don't check homework every night, I don't change papers (I do make very strong verbal suggestions), and I don't help on science projects any more than buying the stuff at Hobby Lobby. I will tell you, one of my kids got a mark off for being sloppy and yes, I wanted to send a nasty-gram to the teacher and ask if she thought the ones better than that were done by parents or students. I resisted, even though I thought the whole thing looked fantastic and knew how hard she worked on it. It was hard, but I resisted!
Not long ago, I let one of my kids make one of those pinewood derby cars by themselves. I let her pick the color and glitter, put it on the back porch with a paintbrush and said have fun. In hindsight, I should have helped some because that poor little car while looking awesome didn't even make it down the track. After drying tears and healing the broken spirit with a happy meal I realized some help is ok. Winning mom moment that day.
So, where is the line behind which the helicopter should stay? How much should we help our kids with homework? When should we call a friend's mama and say, Jimmy Joe said x-y-z to my little Sally Sue? I don't know where the line is but I do know that I cross it. I also know that I have seen the harm it is doing to adults now and it is scary. I saw on the news recently that it is being reported that parents are calling potential employers about their ADULT child getting the job. That is an extreme I know but here is the point, we are constantly bailing our kids out and not letting them fail so when they get into the real world they freak out and can not survive. They have to learn some teachers are below par so that one day they can work for a boss that is below par. They have to learn to remember their lunch because it never fails on the day you forget your lunch teriyaki beef nuggets are on the menu. They have to learn that other kids are mean and sometimes there are no consequences because when they grow up adults act the same way. They have to learn if they don't study they will most likely fail without the option of a re-do because when they don't do the work at their job they will get fired no questions asked. They have to learn that they should have looked back over that essay instead of printing it quick and watching TV. They have to learn how to survive in an environment that is not perfect and maybe not just survive but thrive because one day they will be bagging groceries and need to thrive in a job they might not like.
I have decided to stay out of their business in middle school and high school. I will help when asked and I will ask if they have homework they need help with. I will talk with them about problems if they want to and other times I will just hug them and say I love you when I see it in their eyes. I will also continue to read their text messages, Facebook and Instagram though. Sorry, not letting that go until 18 or maybe later. I will intervene in the instance of excessive foul or sexual language being used around them or any language directed at them. I will intervene when I know they should have gotten a better grade and it has been confirmed by another non-related adult. I will not intervene in affairs of the heart or friendship unless they become extreme. I have given my older kids 3 strikes per semester for me bringing stuff to school they have forgotten. One of them has 2 already. For my elementary babies I will help out once on a science project a little but after that they are on their own! I will make suggestions on other projects but keep my hands off (this is VERY difficult for me). I will stay out of friendship quarrels unless it is absolutely necessary to swoop in with my helicopter. I will not send nasty messages to a teacher, principal or post things online about a teacher, even if they are crazy. I WILL NOT YELL AT A REF, EVEN IF I"M THE COACH AND THE CALL WAS TERRIBLE! I want everyone to read that again. With that, promise yourself to never ever yell at a coach about anything until you yourself have had the opportunity to be a coach.
Parents, let today be the day that we cruise up to a higher altitude with our helicopters and let our kids experience real life. Console them when they fail but don't say I told you so. Help them figure out how to change a situation without doing it yourself. Help them find a lovable trait in a superior that is unlovable. Let them throw glitter all over their pinewood derby car and teach them to be proud of it stopping on the tracks. Let us be the parents that send out a generation of kids that turn into great hardworking problem solving adults instead of sending out kids that turn into lazy entitled adults.
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